I’m home! well, relatively speaking :)

As of today I have been home for one week. It’s the strangest thing, really. When I was in Costa Rica my life in America seemed like a far-off dream that I knew would come to be but seemed such a long ways off. Of course now that I’m back home in the midwest my life in Costa Rica feels miles behind me, yet another dream.

I’ve been thinking about how relative the term “home” becomes after a while. Is home where I spent most of my life? Is home where I live most of my life now? Is  home where my family is? Where my mom is? Where my best friends are? Where I’m most comfortable? I don’t even know. Because the thing is, Costa Rica did become home for me. I know I about died of “home”sickness, which is fine because I have a lot to miss here, but I really did become comfortable in Costa Rica and adjusted to a new normal, full of new patterns and habits and mindsets and friends and customs. When I went back to Davíd and Loania’s I said I was going home. When I was adventuring around the country and the bus would finally pull back into the familiar streets of Heredia, the comfort of familiarity filled my chest, the one you get when you get when you go home after a time away. If I was away for too long, I became uneasy and began to wonder when I’d be home to Davíd and Loania’s again.

Sunset on Playa Blanca at Punta Leona.

I adjusted to a new normal there. When I went to order food and the person spoke to me in English I felt a little uneasy and responded in Spanish. I took the bus almost everywhere and riding in a nice car (aka newer than 1995) was a treat. As crazy as the driving and traffic and road system was, I became accustomed to it and started to understand what the funny honks and double hanks and nods and hand or finger-waves meant and it no longer surprised me to see a car driving down the middle of the road, completely disregarding any lines on the road and treating stop signs and other driving rules like suggestions rather than rules to be followed. Rice and beans with every meal grew on me little by little. I learned to watch for holes and dips very carefully as I walked the sidewalks. I learned to make safe choices in regards to when and where I went alone and how much money I brought with me there. I got used to having the daily (or hourly) affirmation of Tico boys looking at me with that look and saying, “Muy linda.” Anticipating that errand-running and those sorts of things would take longer than they do in the U.S. was fine with me and I was less busy, more laid back, less stressed. I also got very used to being within 2 hours of the beach, hehe.

It’s not that I preferred Costa Rica. But I don’t know that I necessarily prefer the U.S. either. I adjusted to new comfort zones and a new standard of normal as life demanded and I found that I could do it. I had an ache in my heart for my friends and family in the U.S. almost all of the time and it was hard, but I made new friends and family in Costa Rica and God patiently loved me through it all and stretched me in my independence as a person and dependence on Him. Some things in Costa Rica bothered me. Some things there thrilled me. And all of it became normal. All of it became familiar. All of it became home.

And so now I’m in the midwest of the United States of America. I have easy access again to some of the people who could bring tears to my eyes at the very thought of being in their tangible presence when I was in Costa Rica. It’s wonderful. It’s glorious. My heart is seriously overjoyed and I am overwhelmed with thankfulness. I’ve pinched myself like five thousand times.

But I’m homesick.

Readjusting to the old normal is weird. It’s okay. I like it. I love it. And I will be just fine after a bit. But something in me is still just a little uncomfortable with it all. Something in my chest gets that tugging feeling that you get when you’re wondering when you’ll be home again. I’m subconsciously waiting for the moment when I’ll need to switch back to speaking Spanish (and sometimes accidentally do). My body feels out of whack because my daily routine has completely changed.

It all makes me want to curl into my little melancholic shell, but I’m a tough old bird and will be just fine. It’s just weird. And the term “home” feels so relative right now. And I was expecting all of the weird. I mean, I got warned about 174 times to enjoy my time in Costa Rica and not be too homesick for the U.S. because I’d miss it when I was gone (sidenote: please avoid this comment to people who are away in the future. It got a little patronizing after a while). But I know that God has and will walk me through this and continue to use this part of my experience along with the rest of it to stretch and grow and mature me. For now I’m letting the last six months simmer before I dig in with God and ask Him to help me to process and solidify all that I learned.

To keep myself from over-thinking it all, I’m focusing on and thanking God for the things I have coming up–my two closest friends friends getting married this summer (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), returning temporarily to the same call center job I had before going to Costa Rica, job searching for a full-time job that I”ll hopefully start in mid-July (I’M OPEN TO SUGGESTIONS!!), serving in the college group I was a part of all through college, and preparing to go to Spain with about ten other people from that group mid-June through mid-July. To keep myself from over-thinking it all, I’m thankful every moment of the day for my time in Costa Rica  and all that I even have there to miss and for being back in the United States, surrounded by some of the most amazing people on the planet that I missed so so much for five months. My heart overflows.

My Last Week in Costa Rica

Sooo what’s my last week or two here looking like, anyway?

Well, in a nutshell it’s full of adventuring around to some of the last few things I haven’t gotten to do in Costa Rica that I’ve wanted to do with some of my friends and finishing up some last couple of projects in the office. So if you’re short on time, there ya go

Last weekend my friend, Cinthia, and I went to Volcán Poás and ventured around that area with some of her friends. I was flipping out. I’ve never seen a Volcano crater before, so on the way up I was super giddy and nervous about whether or not it’d be cloudy and I’d be able to see it. I’d heard from everyone that if you don’t get there before 9:30 or so you’re not going to get to see it, so when the people we were meeting up with to head up the volcano were a half hour late and then I found out we were stopping for breakfast and wouldn’t get there ’til 10:30 or 11 I was majorly suppressing control freak mode. My thoughts were all, “OMGwhyarewestoppingtoeatbreakfastwhoeatsfoodcantthesepeoplewaitanextra10hourstheyjustatelike14hoursagowhatsthebigdealomgimnotgoingtogettoseethecraterbecausethesepeoplearesodangdeterminedtoeat!” which I hid from Cinthia and her mom, who I was in the car with, by staring out the window in silence with the occasional, “¿Cuánto mas tiempo?” and “¿Cuánto tiempo vamas a pasar desayunando?”, which was code for “Are we there yet?!” and “Is food really necessary? Why on earth are we stopping to eat breakfast?” I even guilt-tripped her once by saying, “This may be the only opportunity in my life to see a volcano crater.” I’m such a snot. [Insert Christian Sunday school lesson here about patience, self-control, selflessness, etc].

Nidia (Cinthia's mom), me, and Cinthia in front of Volcán Poás crater.

Well we stopped for breakfast at this delicious place called “Freddy Fresas” ["Fresas"=strawberries] and the sweet waiter let me get my favorite breakfast: scrambled eggs with onion and peppers and buttered toast and jam. I got a lot of weird stares when I turned down gallo pinto, but I can really only handle so much rice and beans. I was thrilled and suddenly in a great mood, so lesson learned: breakfast is a good thing and patience is, too. When we did get to the volcano it was perfectly clear–we could see the whole crater the smoke coming out of it and it was WAY BIGGER than I thought it would be and I flipped out. It was like I was on crack. I was talking a million miles an hour to everyone around me, in English and Spanish because it’s a tourist spot. And then I looked like a super idiot when I found out they spoke French or German or something.  We also hiked up to another crater lagoon thing which was also really beautiful. Oh, also, it was all a little bit better because Cinthia got me in for the tico price of ¢1000 (about $2) instead of the tourist price of ¢3500 (about $7) so YAY.

The next day Cinthia and I went to a fútbol game, which is a huge part of life here so that was a sweet experience. It was the LIGA (Alajuela) vs Saprissa (San José), which is the biggest rivalry in Costa Rica and Alajuela hadn’t lost at home in like fours years, but they lost that night and we joked that I was a “gato negro”  (black cat). There were soooo many differences to any American sport. The sounds are different. They make this one yelp/holler noise that actually kind of sounds like a dog that just got it’s tail stepped on. From time to time the whole stadium will start whistling and it sounds like a flock of birds is about to descend on the stadium. Also, they’re allowed to have blowhorns, and practically everyone has one. Another common thing is that there’s an area for the hardcore people who are in a sort of booster club to support their team. It is straight up dangerous to sit by them. Cinthia was super scared we were going to end up in their

Cinthia and I with the Alajuela stadium behind us.

section, but thankfully we did not, plus we had a guy friend along. Overall there were a lot less regulations to keep fans under control. At one point a firework got thrown on the field, like a fountain! And one of the players went and kicked it over and they game continued. I was perplexed. There were a lot of cheap shots and false fouls and one dude who kept doing everything he could to get fouled on, like falling over grabbing his knee if someone so much as bumped him and looking at the ref going “call that!” and the ref was all “cut it out, faker.” But the stadium was FULL of energy.  When there was a goal, people went nuts, they jumped around, they hugged, the danced in the aisles all light on their feet, they climbed the fences around the field and wooped and hollered, they took off their shirts and flung them in circles around their heads… it was hysterical. And there were pep bands playing and they’d play these jungle-beat type songs and there’s a “cheer” song for each team that everyone would burst out singing–”ooohwayyyy ohway ohway ohway, campeon, campeon!” It was such a rush and I loved it

Me, Evie, and John watching Madagascar 2. Love these kiddos

In the office this week I’ve been finishing up various tasks that I’ve been putting off to work on other things. One is finishing filling in information in a database of the current contact info of our twenty or so missionaries we have on the field in Latin America and another is finishing an information board about Bosnia-Herzegovina and the teams that we have there. We also had a small going away party for me after the staff meeting yesterday with pizza and brownies, so that was sweet, and in the afternoon I got to babysit for Caroline and Eric one last time.

Tomorrow I’m going on a last minute adventure with an American friend down here to Jacó to meet up with another missionary who lives there to encourage her and catch some sun. On Friday my friends and I are going to dress up fancy and go to dinner together and then go out salsa dancing. Saturday and Sunday I’m going to the beach with Cinthia. Monday and Tuesday I’m packing and then on Wednesday morning I have to be at the airport at 5 am and I fly out at 7 am and after a stop in Houston and another in Denver I’ll get to Omaha at about 9:30 pm!

Prayer Requests

Reverse culture shock is going to get me, I know it will. Prayer for my response–that I would handle it well and that God would place people in my life who understand and can talk to about it with me!

My faithful car, Terry the Toyota (a ’91 Toyota Camry with 265,000 miles on it–I’ve driven it since I was 14!) is coming close to going to the big parking lot in the sky because her clutch is going out. Due to various circumstances, it would not be wise to buy a new car in the next four months, so please be praying for modes of transportation (biking, here I come).

For wisdom and discernment as I choose how to respond to some of the frustrations that I had with the missions organization I was down here with.

For a thankful and encouraged heart as I enjoy some of my last bits of time with the close friends I’ve made here.

Praise God that I already have a temporary job lined up for when I get back–I’ll be returning to work in the call center I was at before coming here.

Praise God that I have GREAT friends who are going to move my boxes from the basement they are being stored in now to my apartment room that was being subleased while I was away (or as much as they’re able–anything helps!).

Praise God that I’ll get to see my youngest brother’s LAST play of all of high school when I go to Sioux Falls to visit a couple days after getting back! I can’t believe my little bro is graduating!! Congrats, Phil!

Praise God for how he’s encouraged and calmed my heart in the last couple of days.

AMEN. Thankful for y’all.

9 days… :-D

I’m within the 10 count… I come home in 9 days. 9 DAYS!!!!!!!!!

I know I’ve shared with y’all about how much I love a lot of the parts of my life here and how much I’m going to miss it here and so on. And that’s all true. I’m very thankful for my time here and there are a lot of things I will miss. But there is nothing that I will miss as much as I will LOVE being home. I prefer the midwest of the USA to the tropics. Sad, I know, but I JUST CAN’T HELP IT.

I’ve been a little afraid to be honest with people about how excited I am to come home because I don’t want to seem un-thankful or ungrateful that I’m here. I hope you know that that’s not true–I’m beyond thankful.

There have been times when I’ve been genuinely thrilled to be in Costa Rica. But there have been others that have been more difficult, and it’s taken more effort to keep a positive attitude. If I don’t keep my mind and heart centered on what I do have to be thankful for, I’ll be super grouchy and unhappy. That’s no good for anyone in contact with me, including myself. But there’s still importance in being honest, so I have to be honest with you… a lot of the aspects of my time here haven’t been all hummingbirds and rainbows.

A lot of the aspects of my time here have been frustrating and saddening. If I’m honest, the biggest challenge of my time here has been harnessing those frustrations and not freaking out about them. [Confession: I've totally freaked out. At least four times. Thankful for the friends who listened and let me be honest with them.] I’ll be coming home with a LOT of thoughts about missions–short-term and long-term–and missions organizations. I’ll be coming home with a LOT of thoughts about the importance of open community. I’ll be coming home with  a LOT of thoughts about the importance of having conversations about Christ when surrounded by Christians, and accountability and being real. I’ll be coming home with a lot of thoughts about gossip and slander. I’ll be coming home with a lot of thoughts about the importance of solid leadership and leadership development. I hope and pray that if and when I choose to share those thoughts that I do so with love and kindness, so if I’m honest… now is not the time.

So for now, I just ask for your prayers. This last month has been the hardest of my whole time here. I have a lot of thoughts running around my head–too many, in fact… I’m thinking too much. I’ve been super lonely. I’ve been either sick or not sleeping well for a lot of it. Can I be honest? I’ve cried a lot.

My daddy holding me when I was a baby.

I’ve thought a lot about the balance between having a thankful heart but still being honest when I’m sad. And I don’t know the answer. I’m still finding the balance, I guess. I know I’ve definitely swung back and forth too far between the two at different times.

But I’m reminding myself of Exodus 33:16, when God’s telling Moses to leave Sinai and Moses is asking to be sure God will go with them, because if He won’t, Moses doesn’t wanna go, because leaving Sinai is going to be a major hassle, majorly uncomfortable, and people are not going to like it. So he asks God, in an effort to say “hey, please don’t leave us”…

Is it not in your going with us, so that we are distinct, I and your people, from every other people on the face of the earth? –Exodus 33:16

God’s with me. And that in and of itself is precious. It’s like when I’m at home and I go curl up by my earthly daddy when I’m sad and he comforts me. It’s not necessarily that I’m immediately happy go lucky and everything that made me sad (and rightly so) before doesn’t still do so. It’s just … I’m with my daddy. And there’s something to that. And there’s something–a BIG something–to the fact that here and now I’m with my Daddy, and He’s holding me and comforting me and loving me.

So anyway, back to the “please pray for me” part… please do. And know I’m praying for you guys too.

My Beautiful Tica Vida :)

As I’m writing this I’m sitting on the porch at “La Casa Grande”–our main office on the IT Costa Rica campus–taking a little break. It’s about 65 degrees here right now with a small breeze and some clouds but mostly sunshine. Our campus is about 5000 ft above sea level, on the side of a mountain and on the edge of a cloud forest, which means that it’s chillier and rainier than the rest of Costa Rica and I see the top of the mountain we’re on about once every other week because it’s always covered in mist. If it’s not raining, which it often isn’t this time of the year since it’s technically summer, there’s almost always “pelo de gato” (hair of the cat), a super fine, almost invisible mist that just sort of hangs in the air. I’m watching 10 or 15 sparrows take turns diving and dipping into the pool and a hummingbird drinking from a flower about 10 feet from me. I love moments like this. Gifts from the Creator, like kisses on the cheek. 

I'm told there's mountains past that last line of trees...

The climate and the terrain is lovely. I live in a valley surrounded by mountans and volcanoes. Sometimes I can even see the volcanoes smoking, such as a few weeks ago when Turrialba was active and constantly spewing smoke and at night, if I could see it, it was glowing red. Seriously, how cool is that? As long as they don’t blow for real I’m also within two to three hours of  some beautiful tropical beaches, full of tourists, Ticos, and restaurants with live music.

I love the music here. It’s either super cheesy, some dude singing about how much he loves his woman in that fully recognizable Latin American falsetto or it has a fun salsa/meringue beat to it. There are other variations, but these are my two favorites. As soon as there’s music on, people start dancing. If there’s a party or get together and there’s music they wanna dance to, they start shakin’ it–no shame, no fear of what people will think. If this region, as a whole, had a personality type, they’d be sanguine all the way. It’s very fun (albeit a little overwhelming from time to time). Kinda like how we go country western swing dancing, they go salsa/meringue dancing. I’ve only done it a few times AND I’m not great at it (as expected, since I’m not the most coordinated person in the world), but I keep my hips moving and try not to step on anyone’s toes and it’s a lot of fun. Thankfully whoever I’m dancing with is always very patient with me.

The people here are all very friendly and sweet and helpful, and they’re all extremely patient with my imperfect Spanish speaking (and bad dancing). They’re very passionate and family-oriented. When you go to a store, they’re ready to help you with anything you need. If I mention that I like a certain dish to my family, it starts showing up once a week. If there’s somewhere I want to go and visit, there’s almost always someone willing to help me get there. They’re also very chatty, always willing to strike up a conversation.

One of my favorite parts about being here has been through these conversations, seeing points of views outside of the USA. So many stereotypes and opinions that we’re used to in the US are completely broken here, the whole “if you are associated with this stereotype, it’s 99% sure you believe this” thing doesn’t work here. Their politics work differently than in the US and I love hearing their outlook on issues. It’s so refreshing to see through their eyes and be reminded that the USA is not the world, it is just one country, one microcosm of thought. Their priorities are not the same as ours and they have expectations of their government that are different from in the US. I’m sure Costa Rica would like to have nicer sidewalks and roads, but there are other areas of their country that they’re more concerned about and they don’t have kabillions of colones to throw around and go in debt for. And if I’m honest, it’s kind of nice to step outside and not feel so spoiled.

This is one of the sidewalk corners by my house.

It’s kind of refreshing in other areas, too. For example, practically no one cares about the Super Bowl here. I got to share it with my friends, but they were so perplexed by North American football. It’s just not important to them. My friend’s sister got mad we changed the channel from a dime-a-dozen soccer match to watch the Super Bowl. At one point they just started flipping channels in the middle of the game because they didn’t know that you don’t do that during the Super Bowl. It’s so hard for us to fathom that (or me, at least, since I do enjoy football, along with 110 million other Americans), but it was a reminder that as much as I love football, and can get caught up in thinking it’s the most important thing in the world right at that moment, in the grand scheme of things, it does not matter, and hardly anyone outside of the USA really cares.

Another thing that I love about being here is getting to share my life and customs with them. I’ve experienced and learned to appreciate many of theirs and now they’ve allowed me to make them my food and sit down and watch football and chat about what life is like for me in the USA. If you are in contact with anyone from another country visiting the USA and they are a little bummed out, homesick, or culture-shocking, one of the best things you can do to help them is just ask them about their life and culture and let them talk about it and, if you have time, ask them to share it with you tangibly, through photos, food, etc. And know that if you feel like they’re constantly making comparisons like, “Well, in my country…” they’re not trying to sound arrogant or like they think their way is better, they’re just making an observation. I’m full of these types of observations from here, but constantly recite “It’s not wrong or right, it’s just different.” It was so sweet for me to just get asked a ton of questions by Cinthia (aka China) about what my life is like, what’s important to me, and to sit down and eat a slice of pizza with me when I was in the thick of culture shock.

It was also helpful being able to speak in English when I was tired or in the middle of culture shock. But, I so very much enjoy being immersed in Spanish. Sometimes it gets overwhelming, but for the most part I love it. And I love speaking it and hearing myself get better at it all the time. It’s such a beautiful language, so sing songy and full of sounds and sound combinations we’re not used to.

Davíd and his sister, Ana, eating breakfast and laughing one day when Ana came over and made me breakfast--just because she's sweet like that

I’ve loved that as I’ve progressed in Spanish, I’ve gotten to build significant and deep relationships. I love my friends here. I’m going to miss their irreplaceable selves. I’m going to miss their hearts, their perspectives, their love for the Lord, their desire to share it and be missionaries in their own countries and, in some cases, in other countries, too. I’m going to miss their willingness to bend over backwards for me, not just because I’m a spoiled American that they enjoy sharing their culture with, but because I’m their friend and that’s just how they operate here.  And I see God in it all of the time, whether it’s their intention or not. Life is so rich and beautiful and full.

Please pray for me as I prepare to leave it. Pray that I would have a thankful and full heart. Pray about the reverse culture shock I’m sure to experience as I return to the US in 15 days. Pray that I would seek the Lord to fill the hollow in my heart as I go through the joys and sorrows of preparing to leave my home here for my home in the US.

Life, laughter, and kisses

I have three weeks left here in Costa Rica as of yesterday and it’s causing me to think through all of the things I’m going to miss. How TORN do I feel. I can’t help but be excited to go home soon and yet am constantly reminded of things that I’m going to miss horribly when I’m gone.

Our little family

One of the parts of my daily life here I can’t replace in the U.S. is my host family. I live with Davíd and Loania, a couple in their thirties who’ve been married for almost eight years, and they are one of my favorite parts of my life here. They don’t have any kids, except for that they jokingly refer to me as their adopted child. They are an incredibly positive pair. They never complain, except for normal couple things such as changing the channel when the other was watching it or not taking out the trash or running an errand at the other’s request. Oh, and Loania doesn’t like to feel cold. They have beautiful servant hearts, and even though I constantly offer help around the house, they don’t accept it often. They kiss all the time. Seriously. All the time. And they laugh… They love to laugh and they do it all the time.

Davíd is so smart. We’re always telling him he should go on “¿Quién quiere ser Millionario?” because he can answer all of the questions when we watch it on Tuesday evenings. Loania is so giggly and will laugh at any funny story and gasp dramatically at the climactic part every time. She is super sanguine. Both of them are so easy to have a conversation with. I’ve loved getting to just be so real with them. They’re full of wisdom and advice that I really value and have learned from. They love the Lord, and know that they are just as in need of grace as the next person.

Davíd gets annoyed with Loania sometimes and will look at me and roll his eyes and we’ll exchange a knowing glance and fairly shortly thereafter he’ll tell her to ‘tranquile, mi amor.’ They get into little spats once in a while, but they’re great at conflict resolution–an area I know they’ve really worked on in their marriage. When Loania went away for a while Davíd about died he missed her so much. He told me he misses her the most when he’s laying in bed at night, which is understandable. Every time I’m getting ready for bed at night, I hear them laying in there, having a deep conversation or giggling.

They’re so much like a normal couple I can easily forget that they do have a special circumstance. Davíd has Becker Muscular Dystrophy and Loania has Transverse Myelitis. Both have been in wheel chairs for about a decade, but before then were walking like you and me. Davíd knew the freedom of walking until his condition progressed to the point where it was no longer safe for him to walk, and Loania knew it until the infection hit her spine that caused her to go paralyzed from the waste down. And yet the two are so free in so many other ways. Davíd has six siblings and out of the seven of them 3 have Becker Muscular Dystrophy. One passed away when she was 29 and the other when he was 34. Davíd is 40.

Davíd and Loania

This last week Davíd’s been having some medical problems, and they’re not sure if it’s due to his MD or an infection. And it’s really shocked me into reality of their situation in this life, and caused me to start connecting dots like about Davíd’s age, which subsequently resulted in a phone call to my mom in which I held in tears as long as I could–which wasn’t long.

I pointlessly wonder, “Why them and not me?” The ugliness of the fall tugs at our courage and tries to blacken the joy of life. But my sweet host family of two seems ignorant of it. They seem to laugh and kiss too much to have time to be distracted by it all, because I never hear them complain or worry. I can’t help but wonder what goes through their minds in the quieter moments.

“Sometimes I think you placed me in the home of two angels.

Oh Father… How thankful I am to know I’ll see them in their new bodies some day. I’m so thankful to know that joy isn’t always based on circumstances. Davíd and Loania prove that. If anyone has reason to worry, to wonder what will come in the future, to mourn and complain about their lot in life, it’s them. But they know, I’m so thankful that they know, that joy and thanksgiving is not based on their situation, it’s on You inside of them, giving them Your life and love and joy and overflowing hearts.

Sometimes I think I can look at my circumstances and think they seem so hopeless, and I feel lost and unsure, wondering what the future holds and being anxious if I don’t know… until I count my blessings, starting with simple things, such as, ‘I can walk…’ and finishing with, ‘I have a heart that is fully alive through the freeing blood covenant of Jesus Christ.’ No one can take that away and upon that I lay all of my hope and joy.” –my journal 2/1/12

I am so thankful for my host family’s example, whether they know it or not, as a couple who live out of an inner joy and strength as they face the “momentary afflictions” of this life and look forward to the day when they will be free of their earthly bodies and see the Father face to face. None of us know how the whole life-after-death thing will go, step by step, but what a sweet promise we’ve been given in Philippians, no matter how it’s interpretted…

“But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, Who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables Him even to subject all things to Himself.” –Philippians 3:20-21